We all have to... eventually.
She says it's easier if I just learned to hate her. Really? Do you even want to go there? I guess I can't stop you from trying to feed me all sorts of ideas to push me away. And in the end, you got what you wanted anyway. A clean break. No more words beyond this point. What else is there left to say? Can any of that undo what you've done?
Honestly, I can learn to hate you if I want... I can do that to anybody. Then, I start thinking... is it even worth it? Heck, is me writing about this even worth it?
No, it isn't. I'm gonna continue anyway. I know all too well not to let anyone take my life hostage. My mum says that if she did love me enough, she wouldn't have led me on in the first place. She's right. And if you weren't sure this would've worked out, you could've just rejected me.... just like you did the first time around.
Understand one thing: things can... will never be the same again. Even our friendship. It's not my style to bear grudges. It's just that... when something antagonizes you more than once, it's only natural to steer clear of it. I'm doing this for my own good. Like you've suggested it would
You keep apologizing. So what exactly are you sorry for? For breaking my heart, or for giving me the greatest pleasure I've ever known and just taking it away?
I guess only time will tell. I can only hope that when the time comes, you would've sorted your own complex issues out....
and hopefully by then I would've found someone better than you.
There! It's done. Dead tired just typing all these rantings out, but I'm liking this reinvigorated interest in blogging. So many things on my mind.... just gotta find an output for them all. Particularly this week where everything seemed to go south for me.
More importantly.... how the heck did I leave my hard disk in school without noticing I did?? And for two days already! Hope some kind DigiPanda soul left it where it was.
Was thinking of changing my blog skin from this dark/emo theme, but I'm probably too mad at myself to do that now. Hope my slumber takes some of the frustration away.
Good night.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Closure
"The buck stops here - deal with it!"
How ironic, that I begin my renewed blogging experience with such lingo. Yes, I'm lacking creativity these days, so I'll speak straight from the heart.
The reason for this post is simple - heartbreak. And I fear if I don't talk it out somehow, it's just gonna continue eating me up from the inside. A few people know about my situation, but those who do don't really recognize the severity of it either - save for my parents.
This is an outlet for the stuff I can't say in person, and by default that would mean only the closest of friends are probably reading this. I don't know if you should be honored to be reading my stuff. My life is not exactly all the sunshine and rainbows I paint for y'all to see. A few can see past this facade, and those who do... I'm glad you did. Cuz you were the ones that didn't make light of the situation, even when I thought you guys would. I'm sorry. It's just Reality that has twisted my perspective.
Really though, I can't hold on to this anymore. For the past few months I was in a relationship with someone special. Special, in the sense that I had been liking her since.... I don't know THE BEGINNING OF TIME maybe? Haha. It sounds silly, but we've known each other for a very long time. We were good friends, but I wanted to be something more than that with her...
Yeah sure, I messed up quite a bit along the way. Back then, I was just trying too hard. I enlisted. We became friends again. I tried to take it further. Got rejected. I left the army and saw her leave for overseas studies, all in the same day. I thought that was it, and I was cool with that...
Just last year, she returned home from studies, and we met. I was a changed man, but so were her circumstances. She had to leave the "place" where we had met each other. Yes, politics beyond our control. It didn't matter to me. We tried to hit it off, and things did look optimistic. Long story short, a few dates later we said we'd try. For a year. Nonetheless, I was happy. No... overjoyed. I was a relationship with a girl I had always wanted to be with all this while. Even when she was far away. I never did stop thinking about her.
We talked everyday. Skyped every week. Every waking moment of it was like a dream come true. There were never awkward silences between us. We never faked a smile. Then I realized... we were taking it too fast. We had to slow down. That was the time, 3 months after our decision to try, when she went silent. When we finally did talk at the end of the week, she said we had to break up....
Reason: she didn't want to drag me down with her. She didn't want to drag me into her circumstances, away from the life in that place we once befriended each other. Because I still had commitments in that place. She didn't want to be accused of stealing me. It was a burden she couldn't bear, because that place we shared was a place she much rather forget. Circumstances.
She apologized unceasingly. For her pride. For her selfishness. Whatever. I WAS WILLING TO DO ANYTHING TO MAKE IT RIGHT. She was just adamant. "I know this is the best for us," she said. She wanted to cut off all contact. I told her to think twice about it. Her family stepped in. Fended for me. Saying she wasn't being fair to me by doing all this. She relented... a little. We would just remain friends, but it was officially over.
I was unable to accept it. I was the one who got dumped after all. All this happened 2 months ago, and I still can't get over it... until now. She said she had nightmares of us arguing, blaming each other for this failed relationship. She couldn't have been further from the truth. They say that dreams are only real as long as they last. For me, those nightmares were a representation of the reality that I had been hurt by her. I did harbor somewhat of a grudge, more driven by the fact that she ended it so quickly. Then, He told me to forgive. All this wouldn't have happened if He hadn't allowed it. It was for a greater purpose, although when we're grieved, we rarely see how that can even make sense. But, I trust Him more than I trust myself.
To that extent, I heard a sermon in church recently about CLOSURE (thus the heading of this post). It was just Him giving me His confirmation once again. This has to end. Whether it be perpetually or not, it had to be done proper. It's gonna be hard to severe this friendship for now, but even harder for me if I don't. I should've just taken up her offer there and then to cut things off completely... as it drags on, now it just becomes more difficult.
I'm sleeping lesser these days, not just because of the insane classes I have to cope with this semester, but mainly because of her. I'm afraid that I will never be able to find someone better, and my sis says it's silly to think that way. Maybe, the reason why I choose to live in denial of our break-up is because no one has been more accepting of me than her. My quirkiness, my jokes, my horrible taste in music.... she saw past all that. Yet, because of circumstances... she thinks we are not meant to be.
It has to be done. I need to close this chapter... and move on to the next. All I can do is pray that it won't pain me so much doing it.
I just hope you're okay too. Your condition worries me, even though you say it's fine now. Hearing about it makes it all the more difficult to do this. You might not want my concern, but that's just a show of how much I cherish our friendship, even after all you've done. I hope you understand that.
How ironic, that I begin my renewed blogging experience with such lingo. Yes, I'm lacking creativity these days, so I'll speak straight from the heart.
The reason for this post is simple - heartbreak. And I fear if I don't talk it out somehow, it's just gonna continue eating me up from the inside. A few people know about my situation, but those who do don't really recognize the severity of it either - save for my parents.
This is an outlet for the stuff I can't say in person, and by default that would mean only the closest of friends are probably reading this. I don't know if you should be honored to be reading my stuff. My life is not exactly all the sunshine and rainbows I paint for y'all to see. A few can see past this facade, and those who do... I'm glad you did. Cuz you were the ones that didn't make light of the situation, even when I thought you guys would. I'm sorry. It's just Reality that has twisted my perspective.
Really though, I can't hold on to this anymore. For the past few months I was in a relationship with someone special. Special, in the sense that I had been liking her since.... I don't know THE BEGINNING OF TIME maybe? Haha. It sounds silly, but we've known each other for a very long time. We were good friends, but I wanted to be something more than that with her...
Yeah sure, I messed up quite a bit along the way. Back then, I was just trying too hard. I enlisted. We became friends again. I tried to take it further. Got rejected. I left the army and saw her leave for overseas studies, all in the same day. I thought that was it, and I was cool with that...
Just last year, she returned home from studies, and we met. I was a changed man, but so were her circumstances. She had to leave the "place" where we had met each other. Yes, politics beyond our control. It didn't matter to me. We tried to hit it off, and things did look optimistic. Long story short, a few dates later we said we'd try. For a year. Nonetheless, I was happy. No... overjoyed. I was a relationship with a girl I had always wanted to be with all this while. Even when she was far away. I never did stop thinking about her.
We talked everyday. Skyped every week. Every waking moment of it was like a dream come true. There were never awkward silences between us. We never faked a smile. Then I realized... we were taking it too fast. We had to slow down. That was the time, 3 months after our decision to try, when she went silent. When we finally did talk at the end of the week, she said we had to break up....
Reason: she didn't want to drag me down with her. She didn't want to drag me into her circumstances, away from the life in that place we once befriended each other. Because I still had commitments in that place. She didn't want to be accused of stealing me. It was a burden she couldn't bear, because that place we shared was a place she much rather forget. Circumstances.
She apologized unceasingly. For her pride. For her selfishness. Whatever. I WAS WILLING TO DO ANYTHING TO MAKE IT RIGHT. She was just adamant. "I know this is the best for us," she said. She wanted to cut off all contact. I told her to think twice about it. Her family stepped in. Fended for me. Saying she wasn't being fair to me by doing all this. She relented... a little. We would just remain friends, but it was officially over.
I was unable to accept it. I was the one who got dumped after all. All this happened 2 months ago, and I still can't get over it... until now. She said she had nightmares of us arguing, blaming each other for this failed relationship. She couldn't have been further from the truth. They say that dreams are only real as long as they last. For me, those nightmares were a representation of the reality that I had been hurt by her. I did harbor somewhat of a grudge, more driven by the fact that she ended it so quickly. Then, He told me to forgive. All this wouldn't have happened if He hadn't allowed it. It was for a greater purpose, although when we're grieved, we rarely see how that can even make sense. But, I trust Him more than I trust myself.
To that extent, I heard a sermon in church recently about CLOSURE (thus the heading of this post). It was just Him giving me His confirmation once again. This has to end. Whether it be perpetually or not, it had to be done proper. It's gonna be hard to severe this friendship for now, but even harder for me if I don't. I should've just taken up her offer there and then to cut things off completely... as it drags on, now it just becomes more difficult.
I'm sleeping lesser these days, not just because of the insane classes I have to cope with this semester, but mainly because of her. I'm afraid that I will never be able to find someone better, and my sis says it's silly to think that way. Maybe, the reason why I choose to live in denial of our break-up is because no one has been more accepting of me than her. My quirkiness, my jokes, my horrible taste in music.... she saw past all that. Yet, because of circumstances... she thinks we are not meant to be.
It has to be done. I need to close this chapter... and move on to the next. All I can do is pray that it won't pain me so much doing it.
I just hope you're okay too. Your condition worries me, even though you say it's fine now. Hearing about it makes it all the more difficult to do this. You might not want my concern, but that's just a show of how much I cherish our friendship, even after all you've done. I hope you understand that.
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